Cow Corner

4th August 2006: England’s wicket-keeper / batsman: Jones, Read or...

Added by D Fletcher

Dear Lord Udder

I have been captivated this week by the press shenanigans regarding Geraint (What kind of an English name is that, anyway?) “poppadum fingers” Jones and Chris “Still haunted by THAT ball from Chris Cairns” Read. Much has been written about their respective form but surely, judging by these pages, there is only one candidate for England's new wk-batsman?

As I am going to Headingley tomorrow, I must say my piece. I speak of none other than Smith, J, aka Smudger.

The facts speak for themselves.

Have Read or Jones hit a 6 to win a game this year? Are they as lithe, athletic, and let's face it, “painfully thun” as the man himself? Do either of them look half as comedy going out to keep wicket? And, of course, both of them do have an arse, which must be a distinct disadvantage, and a physical trait by which the man himself is untroubled.

All this talk of averages come to nought when you realise that Smudger is batting so well he hasn't even got an average, and even a first baller next innings would merely start it at 138.

Lord Udder, would you have made the call to Long Eaton?

Yours sincerely
Mr D Fletcher

Lord Udder responds:

Dear Mr Fletcher

While I can see the logic in your argument, I feel that you have overlooked one vital factor which, in light of your selection strategy of the last few years,makes John Smith an entirely unsuitable choice as wicketkeeper / batsman: namely, that he often catches the ball.

Do not despair though!

Judging by performances so far this season,a number of other players at Dorchester would be far better suited to your requirements. I'm sure they would be happy to nip up the M1 to see you in Leeds for a trial - are you able to provide the necessary equipment (e.g. cymbals,butter etc.)?

Lord Udder

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